My brain as an Escher drawing.
So it's been ages since my last blog.
Partly because I've been busy, partly because I've been tired, but mainly because I've literally not been able to organise my experiences, emotions and mental state into a comprehensible paragraphed structure in a manner fit for the internet. (And that's saying something).
I think it is probably a good time to say now: I have a "good" baby.
She never had reflux. No colic. She hasn't yet teethed a tooth. She feeds well, she sleeps (kind of), she smiles, she develops just like your average baby should. As I write this I hear my mother's words resonate in my eardrums:
"She's a dear, sweet, GOOD baby, Zoë. You're so lucky."
Sorry I'm back now - I was just knocking on wood.
Let's get to it:
3am is not my favourite time of day. In fact, I despise 3am.
And yet, for the past six months, I have seen 3am on more nights than I have not. And it does things to you. Synapses change course. Neurons disobey. Messages become jumbled.
Your brain essentially becomes an Escher drawing.
There are the muffled outcries of a baby spitting the dummy, there is the dog running in his sleep downstairs, and there is my husband snoring in the bed nearby. The house is calm. The room is dim. My baby is fed and warm.
And I am silently screaming. Heart in throat, brain in blender, eyelids sagging. So tired. Just. Want. To. Sleep.
All the rational thought and logic in the world doesn't stand a change against it. I can kneel down at that cot and rock/shhh/pat/coo and calmly tell myself that it's ok - you haven't got much on tomorrow, you can nap if you need, this won't be for long and soon she'll sleep through the night and enjoy these moments now because she'll grow so fast. Cherish it. Make sure you LOVE every minute Zoë. Or else.
Well, I'm here to tell you that I know I'm a great mum. My kid is a happy and healthy crack-up and the amount of love and affection I feel for her daily is unable to be expressed in words. But the affection definitely falls within a bell curve.
A bell curve that peaks between 7am and 7pm.
How do people decide to do this a second time?
3am be gone. Soon. Please.